The winner takes it all

Battle of the Bands, a competition where barely competent musicians, armed with 3 chords from ‘101 Hits for Buskers’ and delusions of adequacy, play sub-standard guitar rock and the band with the most attractive female members win. With more effort put into their ‘look’ than actual song writing or rehearsing and yet still looking like young Conservatives trying to look rebellious but not that rebellious because ‘what would the folks think’?

What is the point? The only people who attend these nights are friends of the bands, dragged along by the promise of girls, a free pint and 'a chance to be there at the start, man'. Do any of the bands think that A&R men are going to drag themselves down to the Snotbucket and Wimpole in Walthamstow on a Tuesday night and stumble upon their musical genius? Most A&R men wouldn’t stumble across the room if their mother was on fire and you promised them free coke and vodka.

It’s not like A&R aren’t already inundated with a surfeit of wannabes clamouring for their attention, wannabes that already have managers, a following, perform at venues that have some sort of respectability and most importantly, talent, is it? No, of course they’re going to drag themselves to the arse end of nowhere to watch bands take part in a cynical exercise. Where the promoter not only charges the band to enter the competition but also charges their friends to watch. On a dead rubber of a night that wouldn’t get punters through the door for free with beer £1 a pint, rather than the £4 they charge for cans of Tesco brand lager at these events.

And what if, and I think we’ve established it’s a big what if, an A&R man turns up on the night? Blown away by all the acts on the bill, does he only sign the winners as they have won the Battle? If not, why have a Battle of the Bands to decide who is best in the first place?

‘Sorry Mr Cobain. Really loved the act but its back to shovelling fries at McDonalds for you. Pigfister won fair and square. Rules are rules. Plus, their keyboard player is hot.’

Pointless. Has a band ever got a record deal from one of these nights?

No, I’ve got a better idea. Let’s take all these bands, stick them all on the same stage with a variety of weapons and let them have a real battle. Let the winners be the last band standing. Maybe we’ll get to see some proper axe work then. I’d pay good money for that. In fact, I think I’m going to get in touch with Endemol. It’s the sort of high class reality TV they love.

Better still. Imagine KISS, in their fully made-up, 70’s super hero form. GWAR with their outrageous armour and weaponry, deviant aliens hell bent on corrupting humanity. Manowar, Kings of Metal, muscled, lubed and wielding their mighty swords. Put them in a ring in a winner takes all, fourway, WWE style match against, let’s say, just for the fun of it, Stryper.

Yes.

Stryper.

Who isn’t going to cheer with joy to see their black and yellow, spandexed, whiny voiced, Christian rock arses ripped a new one by the 3 behemoths of metal? They say the devil has the best tunes and Stryper went a long way to prove that point and ironically turned more metallers into Satan worshippers than they converted. I’ve only ever met one Stryper fan and his dad was a vicar. You can almost imagine the compromises and shifting of ideals that the poor bloke went through to get that C of E stamp of approval. Just to be allowed to listen to anything that remotely resembled heavy metal, grow long hair and end up a laughing stock by his peers. Poor bastard.

Anyway, that would be a Battle of the Bands. Hell, it would be more than just that.

It. Would. ROCK.

And obviously KISS would win.