You keep me hanging on the telephone

While we’re on the subject of strange things, something else happened this week which has left me somewhat bewildered.

I got a phone call on my mobile on Wednesday afternoon. That in itself is quite unusual as hardly anyone seems to use mobiles to actually talk to each other. It tends to be a medium for text messages and blurry images, checking emails and cheating in pub quizzes.

The display didn’t list a number, purely the message ‘unknown’. Not so unusual as my bank never lists its number and has been phoning me for the last 12 months, trying to sell me a loan, despite my protestations that I don’t want a loan and don’t want to be asked yet again. However, if it was the bank, they’ve taken a new approach to customer services which may explain their high charges.

At first I was greeted with silence and a bit of static. I said ‘Hello?’ a few times and was about to hang up, thinking that it must be some automated dialler that had wrongly called my number.

Then I heard something. A gasp or sigh. ‘Hello?’ I repeated. Again nothing but I wasn’t going to hang up. It was their phone bill and if they didn’t want to talk, it was costing them money.

What I heard next did take me by surprise. The sounds were definitely female. Low moans and gasps, slowly building in loudness and speed. I was getting an obscene phone call and the caller certainly appeared to be enjoying herself.

I was at a loss as to what to do. What is the correct etiquette for receiving smutty calls? Does one hang up in disgust? Does one try to engage the person in conversation?

“Well it sounds like you’re having a splendid time but do you mind telling me who you are and why you are calling me?”

Or perhaps engage in some Beavis and Butthead type commentary?

“Huh-huh, yeah, baby, huh-huh, that sounds, like, cool, huh-huh. Do you wanna, like, do it, huh-huh?”

Of course, I just sat there in dumbstruck silence.

After a minute, the line went dead leaving me none the wiser to who it was from. It’s not the first time that I’ve had calls from ‘unknown’ but in the past the line has gone dead after I’ve answered.

Maybe I’ve got a stalker.