Sign o' the times

The other day I noticed an unusual sign at the front of the harbour, 'Warning - Student Police Officers In Training', which struck me as strange since I wasn't aware that the student population had reached such a point of unlawlessness that they needed their own special officers. Surely the odd traffic cop to check for missing traffic cones, flashing beacons and comedy sounding street signs would suffice?

They had done some research on their subject matter though. In the area where the training was taking place, a PA was blasting out the Billy Ocean hit 'When the going gets tough (the tough get going)'. It's obviously very important to subject the student police to such musical attrocities given that the 80's are very much de riguer with the youth today in that ever so ironic way. I just hope that they are equally prepared for facing the vomit drinking and scrotum shaving of the rugby team's night out.

If part of their duties are preventing harpies shrieking like banshees at 3am or stopping blokes pissing against the nearest wall after 2 shandies I'm all for this new initiative. I'd like to hope that playing incredibly crap music at full, tinny volume on a mobile phone is also on the list. While we're at it can we ban the whole emo movement? Or am I the only one who on hearing that term is reminded of Emo Phillips, a gangly, lanky haired, badly dressed loser whining about not being sexual attractive to his headmaster as a child? They're nothing but goths with allusions to coolness.

Let's add not drinking in any pub I am likely to frequent and queuing at any cash point at any given time. Stupidly themed fancy dress parties are right out, as is using any catchphrase of any comedy show ever. And talking. About anything. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I believe that we actually do need this new arm of the law. Unfortunately I suspect it's all doomed to failure.

They were training before midday.

You're never going to find a student at that time.